The Journey from Fear to Freedom

In my last two posts I spoke about my background and what I came from to the point of awakening to the understanding that the only way to live is to serve each other in love and not sell ourselves instead of fear. While the understanding was there my journey was not without trials.

Like most I was programed by a system that needed us to show up at the gladiator arena everyday with our professional swords and compete. Many times as a corporate pilot I flew executives and was able to hear many a battle plan to “beat” the other company so they could enjoy yet even bigger profits. I of course was in the same arena trying to find other companies that I could market my skills as a pilot and after finding you can only fly so many hours in a day and work so many days per week struck out into business for myself. That moved me to a different part of the arena where we feed our ego’s being independent business men.

When I realized that making money by defeating my competitor was the only way to move on I finally made the decision to leave the arena on October 1, 2005. I went to the board of the flight school I was instructing at and notified them that I would not accept a paycheck any longer. They were upset and told me I could not do that and they were going to pay me anyway. To that I replied that I would not cash the checks. At the point the treasurer said that if I was not going to cash them that he would not write them. I was pleased because I finally cut the ties to a lost and dying system and was going into the deep end of the swimming pool.

That night and for a couple of nights afterward I had many nightmares about how was I going to feed the kids, get them to school, and pay the bills. Then the fear of what if I am crazy and this is all ego driven and not lead by the spirit came and how could I go back and admit I was wrong. I stopped the dreams by resolutely making it clear to myself that I had no choice because the alternative was to go back into the arena again and that ended the dreams.

The first thing that I had to get used to was living by 11:59 or having everything come when I needed and not a second too soon. This of course unnerved me especially since I used to have five checking accounts and if I wanted anything all I had to do was pick one and buy it. The lesson learned was having enough in the moment. I had to learn to LIVE in the moment.

The next issue that I had to overcome was an other huge EGO issue from my intellect or left brain. All my life I had been programmed to believe that my self worth was in how much I made and how much I owned. I had gone through a divorce since my wife saw me as someone that would not buy fur coats, trips to mid town Manhattan, vacations once a month, new cars, or new homes any longer. I had pretty much lost everything due to that and other exigent circumstances plus now I did not have a weekly income any longer either.

All around me my friends were still able to do such things because I did not have any extra cash or money in the bank and was building a new home one piece at a time while driving an old vehicle it really depressed me. I would work all day and always just have enough. I felt like such a loser and had very little self worth.

What changed all of that was my point of view and reprogramming my programing. I started to realize that my worth was not in how much money I made that day or in how many things that I bought but in how many people I had served by working for them to advance them. All of a sudden I felt wonderful again and became ten foot tall and bulletproof because i was sowing my love and talent which is what I was good at. I started to measure my value by how many I served instead of many I billed. What I found was those feelings of depression were nothing but the death throws of dying to this world and my old way of working.

Even after I got through it there were times that it would come back and I had to consciously let it go as nothing but the remnants of my days as a successful gladiator and now had more I deeply grew to feel very sorry for them because of what they were doing to themselves and others they competed against.

I have not had any of those thoughts in a long time now and it is good to be free of a tally system that measures you by how much you take instead of a ascended system of love that reveals in the joy of giving all you are able to give. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me……………
Nicholas Grachanin

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